IF YOU WANT TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, YOU FIRST HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT RING

There are two major mistakes that people make when they fighting personal vices especially in matters of chastity. They are to be avoided at all costs for any number of reasons the most important of them being that they do not work and that they can be at least mildly heretical.

The first extreme involves the idea that, “I’m going to get all cleaned up and then I will come back to God and ask for forgiveness,” or even if one is inclined already to confession they have in their mind, “I am going to beat this FOR God.” Christopher West refers to this as “White Knuckling It.” “If I try really, really hard I will beat sin on my own!” If this were even possible we would not have needed a Savior. We are in a relationship with God a kin to a marriage. We would not say to our spouse, “I’m going to work on our relationship and then I will return to you and we will live happily ever after.” No, you work on your relationship together each aiding the other in his need.

In a like manner God does not expect, desire, or even consider that we could become saints on our own. He desires all of us, warts, bald spots, and all, not just the pretty parts. He loves us for better or for worse, good times and bad, sickness and health. We should not even try to hide or protect or deny Him access to any part of us – particularly those parts that need His healing!

The other extreme are those who cry out to God to simply take some disordered desire away from them. On the surface this seems like a reasonable enough request. “I want God want, Who I want to love above all else, to take away from me this possibility to love something else more than Him.” Yet if all of our inordinate desires were simply whisked away from us, if we had no choice but to love God, we ironically would not really love Him at all. In order to love one must have free will. If one has free will one must be able to not-love for it is only to the degree that one can not-love that one can love.

So the second step to healing (the first was to realize that healing needed to take place) is to find the right path. The right path is neither “white knuckling it” nor having our problem annihilated. The Christian’s path lies directly between these two and involves recognizing and engaging our true relationship with our God. We, the Church, are the bride and Christ is the Bridegroom and we tackle the difficulties in our relationship together. Before, during, and after every temptation to stray from our Divine Spouse we implore His assistance. He wants to help us and waits for our invitation. We need not be mavericks nor puppets on a string, but partners on our path to holiness and salvation. As Julian of Norwich explains to us that when we entrust God with our whole selves in this way, God, Who is all powerful, then can use that which is damaged in us to bring us more closely to Himself by having the very thing that is designed to pull us further away from Him actually catapult us more deeply into His heart. Such is the power and wonder of God and the frustration of the Devil!

Jumping on the right path may not get you home overnight, but at least now you will be on the right path and the possibility of getting home is greater than it was before.

DADS AND PORN

As long time readers of Adam’s Ale know, I like to spend some time in prayer and reflection hanging out in the old choir loft (no longer in use) and bell tower here at the Church of Saint Clare. Sitting there and reading I came across a paragraph in Scott Hahn’s book, “A Father Who Keeps His Promises” that led my thoughts racing though a series of connections that I want to share particularly with certain dads.

Here is the paragraph: “After forty long years (in the desert), the first generation had died off, except for Moses and the two courageous spies, Joshua and Caleb. During this time, the second generation was being taught by their Levitical tutors and hopefully rehabilitated from the sinful ways of their parents. But patterns of bad behavior die hard, especially when they’re transmitted from parent to child . . .”

This is the meaning of, “The sins of the father are visited upon his children”. God is not going to punish innocent children for the sins that their parents committed. Just because my father may have cheated at cards does not mean that God is going to punish me for it. Rather the sins that the father (or parent) commits is setting up a pattern of living for his son – for his children. It is a cycle that is difficult to break and requires fathers, in this particular instance, to be incredibly strong and unselfish.

It is astonishing how many men say that their problem with pornography began with the unknowing example of their fathers. Men in their later years tormented that they have this problem that is so hard for them to kick (is that freedom America?) said it all began by finding their father’s (brother’s, uncle’s, neighbor’s dad’s) stash of porn magazines and how they’ve been haunted by it ever since.

Children are inquisitive and snoopy. They aren’t evil. It is what they do. And they find these things and the sins of their fathers haunt them their whole lives as it becomes their sins. I can only imagine what our kids, who are so much more savvy than parents on the computer, can find when snooping about on the home computer that adults think hidden.

Society tells us that it isn’t so bad. It is natural. Kids will get over it. Society does not sit in a confessional. It can be heart wrenching.

Dads with porn: Throw it all out. Today. Get rid of it. Clean it off your computer and make sure that there are controls on your computer never to let it back on again. Don’t let anything of the sort into your house under your Okay. Your sons are counting on you.

JUST ME AND MY SHADOW

N.B. – The following post mentions topics that sensitive readers might find objectionable.

Ask any golfer (or at least golfers as poor at the sport as I am) what will happen if, when they are getting ready to swing at the ball, they think to themselves, “Don’t hit that tree. Don’t hit that tree.” Unable to hit the tree intentionally on their next twenty swings, that one time they will hit it square in the center.

A spiritual director of mine once said this is due to the body’s inability to hear the word, “Don’t”. In effect, what was being said to the body was, “Hit that tree. Hit that tree.”

Many people try to overcome masturbation in much the same way. Christopher West calls it, “White Knuckling It”. We, especially men, grit out teeth, tense out muscles, and say, “I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to do it.” Anybody who works my side of the confessional screen will tell you that this method does not seem to work well. First of all, the mere fact that you are repeating this line keeps the thought alive, and secondly the body is only perceiving the positive, “I’m * going to do it. I’m * going to do it.”

So let’s say that you visit this sin often and want to stop. The first step is to stop punishing yourself too harshly about it. Be clear, I am not saying that it is not sinful, ripe for regular confession or that we shouldn’t strive to stop it, but that overly punishing yourself will only dig you deeper into it. Because why do people masturbate in the first place? Usually to feel better, to escape, or to relieve tension. What happens when you punish yourself too severely? You feel guilty, shameful, and full of tension. Well, what can you do to relieve these feelings? Ah! The horrible cycle builds on itself. So, take it to confession, keep working to eradicate this cycle from your life, but don’t over react to it – don’t give it too much power over you.

Next, don’t try to quit under your own power. Start trusting God to help you. Give the problem over to Him. Be humble. Ask for His saving help. Admit your weakness and need for assistance. Learn to rely on Him.

A priest once told us boys when we were growing up to run laps or do push ups to help overcome the urge. Well, that works as far as the adage “Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop,” but every little bit helps. And it helps to avoid being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. But sometimes all these are out of our control.

It helps to treat your body like a temple of the Holy Spirit, treating yourself with respect and adorning your body with modesty. It helps to train yourself to start looking at others as human beings worthy of respect rather than sex objects (including those found in advertisements, television, and movies). That also means being careful what you watch and read also. Don’t place yourself in a near occasion of sin. If you know your weaknesses, avoid putting yourself in a situation that will exploit them as far as possible.

Other acts of self-denial help us learn the discipline needed to be chaste. It also helps to have a regular confessor, spiritual director, as well as a trusted friend so that the two (or more) of you can keep each other challenged and accountable to chastity. Deep prayer, perhaps holy hours, and use of the Sacraments are of course essential.

Saint Augustine once said, “The worse thing about sin is that the body remembers.” Some people have indulged in this sin for many years and the solution to getting out of it does not most usually happen overnight. One has to change his perception of humanity and sexuality. New thinking patterns during idle times or times of stress need to develop. And the start of the process can be painful. It takes time for the wound to heal and to gain your strength.

Why does the Church care about this topic anyway? Because it wants you to enjoy your God given freedom. If you know someone struggling with this issue you know that it is a destroyer of freedom. Like many vices, it is not something that a person chooses freely to do or not to do but feels a compulsion. That is not freedom. And when one is not completely free, that person cannot give him or herself completely to another. Nor can they find complete happiness because as with many such vices, it ultimately fails to satisfy. Our faith wishes to restore us to true freedom, joy, and honest fulfillment. It may be a hard battle to win, but the fight is well worth the effort!

IN OTHER NEWS:

I almost did not post yesterday’s quiz but I am sure glad I did. You guys had me laughing all day! C.O. I think had the best answers but Bob got it right. (I really thought it would be easy!)

The answers to yesterday’s picture quiz: These are different kinds of tans that are traditionally named after various jobs.

Upper left: Priest tan.
Upper right: Trucker tan.
Middle: Farmer’s tan.
Lower left: Man pretending to a nun in full habit.
Lower right: Lifeguard

Thanks for the laughs one and all.

WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU WRITE

About a year ago, two of my best priest buddies and I went on retreat at Trinity Retreat House in Larchmont New York which was put on by Fr. Benedict Groeshel of the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. Because of parish duties we had to leave early on the last day of the retreat (like 5:oo AM) to get back to Cleveland, but Fr. Benedict said that he wanted to talk to us before we left. So, at 5:00 AM we knocked on the door of his humble dwelling and not only was he up, he was busy writing! He gave us a blessing and an instruction, "You boys need to start writing. You need to start getting the word out."

So we bundled ourselves into the van and headed out in awe until one of us said, "So, what do you suppose he meant?" It was then we realized that hadn't the slightest idea. (And truth be told, I think the comment was mostly directed Markus who is the most articulate and knowledgeable of us and who in fact is now in Rome studying his poor little heart out - Hi Markus - have an espresso on me today.)

Anyway, it did start me writing. Sometimes with success, sometimes not. A couple of successes have been an article on architecture and one on the liturgy. The one on liturgy was reprinted in Scotland and spurred an article by Terry Mattingly which was printed in a number of places.

Another priest whom I am proud to call a friend has also gotten into writing. An excellent article by him appeared in Dappled Things, a place for young (and happy) Catholics to post their thoughts, entitled, "Catholic Education and Masturbation." A more recent article by him can be found in First Things.

If you are Catholic, HAPPY, and a person of prayer, consider getting the pen out (or the keyboard.) Help get the good message of faith out. Write an article, a letter to the editor, a blog entry or at least journal! Don't be alarmed if it is not printed or read (I think barely a soul reads this blog) for if nothing else, it sends a message out to those managing such things that they have a readership that thinks a certain way and it organizes your thoughts, causes you to contemplate so when it comes time for you to speak out, you have something from which do draw. So get on it! Start today!