Thursday, June 30, 2016

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE FULLY ACCLIMATED TO BEING AN AKRON SEBASTIANITE

We have some seminarians living at St. Sebastian this summer.  One of them has rarely been south of 303 and so we have been introducing him to all that is Akron.  While doing so we thought of some things that will help you know of you are becoming a true Akronite as well as a dyed in the wool Sebastianite.  Here are some of the things with which we came up.  If you have any to add I would greatly appreciate it.

You have Akron legs.  You can walk around the neighborhood and not trip on the upheaved slabs that look as though we have just gone through three a major earthquakes.  For example, when someone trips you say, “You haven’t got your Akron legs yet.”

You are VERY careful when shoveling snow.

You can drive down Mull Avenue, the brick street that runs in front of parish, and know the secret path around all of the swells and waves of bricks so that you can go 35mph without destroying your car.

You know they used to skate in Forest Lodge Park and further you know that Forest Lodge Park is actually actually Elm Hill Park but you don’t care.

You know there are no Elm trees on Elmdale Avenue, in Elm Hill Park, or at Our Lady of the Elms.

You know exactly where to go if someone says, “Meet me at the brick parking lot,” and you know exactly what is meant by, “I heard it on the brick parking lot.”

You never hated LeBron James.

You have strong opinions about Catholic high schools.

You know the parish story about galoshes.  

You have a 50% chance of knowing how to play bridge or someone in your household knows how to play.




You know that between an old rusted piece of abandoned pipe and an ornamental lamp post, the one that will get hit by a car is the lamp post.

You prefer traffic circles to oddly designed five way stops.

You never realized that you realized that there are two identical statues of St. Mary on the parish grounds until someone points it out to you.

When you look up you are not terribly surprised to see a blimp.

If you want to come early or stay late at church you know better than to park in the undersized parking lot.

You refer to the local Acme store as Acme Number One.

You know where the devil strip is.


There is a 50% chance that you have something of Don Drum in your house.

If you see someone in the bell tower your first thought is, “The pastor must be trying to get away from it all,” not, “Is there someone up there with a rifle?”

4 comments:

MJ said...

When someone says Tangiers, you don't think they are talking about a major city in Morocco.

Anonymous said...

Hi Father -

I am not sure if this is current (probably not), but when I was growing up in the 60s and 70s, the locals said Akron was the capital of West Virginia. This is because so many poor people suffering through the Depression and very low-paying, dangerous coal jobs came to Akron to work in the union rubber shops, which were booming until the late 70s.

Also, that "reading, writing, and Route 21" were taught in the West Virginia schools. This referred to the dream many West Virginia people of the time had of coming to Akron to find a way out of poverty. Before the Interstate system, Route 21 was the most direct way to get from coal country in western WV, Huntington, and Charleston, to Akron. And the same road was used by many homesick Mountaineers.

My mother was from Logan County, WV, and she and her family were so homesick that they would make the 8 hour trip from Akron to her hometown 2 or 3 times per month on the weekends.

God bless you and everyone at St. Sebastian today!

Sir Knight said...

You are an Akron Sebastianite when you devour several Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts washed down with McD orange drink on doughnut Sundays in Z-hall.

Anonymous said...

You know you're from Akron when Swenson's is your favorite burger!