I HAVE A PROPOSAL TO MAKE

“Romance,” to misquote The Princess Bride “is not dead. It’s just mostly dead. See, there's a big difference between mostly dead, and all dead. Now, mostly dead: it's slightly alive.” As evidence of this I offer stories of how engagements take place. Part of my wedding preparations and getting to know my couples is asking them various question my favorite of which is, “So how did the engagement take place?” Interestingly enough of the scores of weddings I have taken part in, only three times has there been a report that the groom-to-be has not gone down on at least one knee when he proposes. Of those three, two of them did not end up getting married. (Don’t tell the third one about this. They seem happy for the time being.)

Here’s the problem: In easily one third of the stories the woman who is being proposed to does her best to mess up her future hubby’s plan to make the moment as romantic as possible. As soon as they start telling the story – just by the way that they look at each other as they begin the story - I KNOW that she did something to almost ruin the moment.

Now grant you, the guy may not have planned it well – thought it through – but when you are trying to be the lead in a romantic scene and you only do it once every few years you are going to be a little green on how to pull it off.

But still.

Here is a very typical example. HE: plants the ring in the sand at the beach. SHE: doesn’t want to go for a walk because it has started misting. HE: becomes strangely insistent because – well – THERE’S A VERY VALUABLE RING BURIED IN THE SAND OUT THERE!

HE: Has arranged for the server to bring the ring out with the desert tray. SHE: Doesn’t want desert. HE: suggests that they at least look at it. SHE: not only doesn’t want any but thinks he shouldn’t either! HE: becomes strangely insistent because – well – HE’D BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR MONTHS AND HE SLIPPED THE WAITER AN EXTRA TWENTY TO PLANT THE RING.

HE: Is going to propose just before walking into the family gathering. SHE: Is in hurry and is getting upset by what seems to her to be delay tactics to keep them from getting there on time. HE: is in fact employing delay tactics in order for the party to get ready and give him time to propose. He gets down on his knee on the front lawn. SHE: holding a covered plate of lasagna says urgently, “What are you doing? Get up off of the ground! Come on, let’s go they are waiting for us!”

Typical. Typical. I don’t know who this is a lesson for. If it is for gentlemen I say if you are not used to pulling romantic stunts ask someone who knows what they are doing. And have a backup plan. If she bulks at the first plan go to the second. No point in forcing cat into the bathtub. The results may be great but the road there might be a bit scratchy.

If it is for women – give the poor lug a break. He may not be very good at this. Give him some encouragement or he may never try it again. It will be anniversaries of “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” If something seems a bit off pay attention to the alarm bells in the back of your head. “Why is he so desperate that I smell the rose he gave me that I have no desire smell? Does he not realize that I am allergic to plants?” COME ON! THERE IS A RING IN THERE! Of course, if I am wrong he just may be strange and you have permission to punch him.