ARE YOU DYING FOR A LITTLE MORE SELF REVELATION?

As I have traveled from assignment to assignment and parish to parish I was struck at the differences between the way funeral homes practice their trade. Some I thought good and appropriate, others I found almost offensive. One of my favorites was a guy who directed the pall bearers with all the tact of a foreman instructing a crane operator where to load a giant crate on a ship. “Alright men! One inch forward – ah – too far! Back! Okay, when I count to three lower very slowly. 1..2..3 Very good men. Release and step back!”

It was not until I was on retreat and the retreat director pointed out that the way we celebrate a funeral tells a lot about who we are. There are the standard aspects particularly among Catholics; calling hours, vigil services, Mass, burial, wake . . . But HOW we do these things can vary greatly and what I was disappointed in with some of the undertakers was less about how good of a job they were doing and more about what I had become accustomed to growing up.

This became apparent on this retreat as we were from many different nationalities and backgrounds. We were talking about death and a priest from Africa told how quickly things went there and how the family was required to feed everybody who showed up – and they wanted many people to show for that was a mark of honor. He went on to talk about what a great celebration there was for their mother.

From that point the retreat director would ask each priest about his background and most times he could tell them how they probably celebrated death. For example when the guy next to me said that he was Irish everybody smiled. Irish wakes are seen as very demonstrative and celebratory to put it in the very best light and all of us had been exposed to such things.

Now these are certainly not hard and fast rules but there is a general tendency. So when he asked me what nationality I was and I said Slovenian, he folded his hands in his lap, nodded, and uttered a very somber, “Ohhhh.” Then he added, “I would imagine that your experience is couched with great solemnity and respect verging on stoicism. There was a lot of truth to that though the edge of it has worn off as the community becomes more and more Americanized. But I do remember Mr. Haun who was the local funeral director that most people from my nationality parish used being a man of great gravitas. During ceremonies he would speak in hushed tones. Unlike the funeral director at the top who directed the carrying of the casket in loud and clear tones, Mr. Haun did much of his direction with intelligent glances, hushed tones, and discreet hand motions.

There is nothing in any of these expressions that is right or wrong (I have come to realize), they are different ways of expressing the same things. But it is interesting to realize that how one celebrates death has a lot to do with how you were raised and in what community. It can be a little self revelatory and something interesting to mull over.