Thursday, May 13, 2010

ARE YOU DYING FOR A LITTLE MORE SELF REVELATION?

As I have traveled from assignment to assignment and parish to parish I was struck at the differences between the way funeral homes practice their trade. Some I thought good and appropriate, others I found almost offensive. One of my favorites was a guy who directed the pall bearers with all the tact of a foreman instructing a crane operator where to load a giant crate on a ship. “Alright men! One inch forward – ah – too far! Back! Okay, when I count to three lower very slowly. 1..2..3 Very good men. Release and step back!”

It was not until I was on retreat and the retreat director pointed out that the way we celebrate a funeral tells a lot about who we are. There are the standard aspects particularly among Catholics; calling hours, vigil services, Mass, burial, wake . . . But HOW we do these things can vary greatly and what I was disappointed in with some of the undertakers was less about how good of a job they were doing and more about what I had become accustomed to growing up.

This became apparent on this retreat as we were from many different nationalities and backgrounds. We were talking about death and a priest from Africa told how quickly things went there and how the family was required to feed everybody who showed up – and they wanted many people to show for that was a mark of honor. He went on to talk about what a great celebration there was for their mother.

From that point the retreat director would ask each priest about his background and most times he could tell them how they probably celebrated death. For example when the guy next to me said that he was Irish everybody smiled. Irish wakes are seen as very demonstrative and celebratory to put it in the very best light and all of us had been exposed to such things.

Now these are certainly not hard and fast rules but there is a general tendency. So when he asked me what nationality I was and I said Slovenian, he folded his hands in his lap, nodded, and uttered a very somber, “Ohhhh.” Then he added, “I would imagine that your experience is couched with great solemnity and respect verging on stoicism. There was a lot of truth to that though the edge of it has worn off as the community becomes more and more Americanized. But I do remember Mr. Haun who was the local funeral director that most people from my nationality parish used being a man of great gravitas. During ceremonies he would speak in hushed tones. Unlike the funeral director at the top who directed the carrying of the casket in loud and clear tones, Mr. Haun did much of his direction with intelligent glances, hushed tones, and discreet hand motions.

There is nothing in any of these expressions that is right or wrong (I have come to realize), they are different ways of expressing the same things. But it is interesting to realize that how one celebrates death has a lot to do with how you were raised and in what community. It can be a little self revelatory and something interesting to mull over.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Irish wakes . . . . demonstrative and celebratory . . . . to say the least. I have watched the "one-inch-guy" several times . . . . very scientific, as the king would say. I'd like my send-off to be toned down greatly


rnmk sr

Matt W said...

I really was expecting some sort of Monty Python today--maybe "Bring out your dead"?

Buzzard3000 said...

It was Hahn's Funeral Home Father John. I recall planting our Uncle John and had a very nice wake at Aunt Millie's with a bottle of Slivowitz.

Anonymous said...

It just struck me, after reading Tues and today, that weddings and funerals are the times we see most of our families and remember our roots. Weddings we look forward and funerals we look back over their and our lives...
They both should be great celebrations...but the moods a little different...

Nan said...

Shortly after my dad died one of my friends told me that his aunt had done something awful at his father's funeral. Then he said she had taken casket photos. It took me a minute to realize that was the awful thing. I don't know any better, having grown up with my grandpa's casket photo. He was in the K of C and was buried in his cape so the photo is very Grampa Munster and is my favorite one of him.

Potica. Can't be buried without it.

Buzzard3000 said...

Throw a few links of blood sausage in there too.