AND FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN ROME

ROME, ITALY “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is a new document promulgated by Pope Benedict XVI this past week in response to the maelstrom of controversy over the Catholic Church’s latest pronouncement that it alone was the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church through which salvation is granted. Though this belief is recited by Catholics everywhere in the creed each Sunday, the idea that it would be said in a way that aids others who wish to engage the Catholic Church in dialogue know her position has struck Church watchdogs around the world as “cheeky.”

A protestant minister in Iowa who spoke with us under the condition that she remains anonymous stated her concern over Rome’s assertion that they were the one true church. “If true,” she stated, “that could put me and whole lot of other people out of work. Does Rome really want to contribute to world unemployment?” Her congregation gathered earlier in the week to discuss this latest revelation in a town hall meeting. “There was a lot of hurt,” she reports. “There were questions such as, ‘Does this mean we have to become Catholic?’ and “I though we were the one true Church.’ This contention of Catholics that they are Christ’s true Church does nothing but spread confusion and hurt.”

Even non-Christians have noted how politically incorrect the claim is. “This is just not how polite people talk,” said a popular etiquette columnist. But others have noted that if one does not assert that they have truth, there is not really much point in engaging them in conversation. The president of “Deists In Search of a Religion” was quoted as saying, “If someone does not believe they are speaking truth, what’s the point in having a conversation with them? It all becomes about sharing feelings then. I don’t need therapy I need a religion. And I want to talk to someone who at least thinks they know what they are talking about [and has] something to offer me. I wouldn’t vote for someone who is wishy washy about their beliefs, why would I entrust my soul to someone who is wishy washy about how salvation occurs?”

But in the end, it was the outcry of those “left behind” that caught Rome’s ear and today the pope released “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to ease feelings and help others build self-esteem. “It really brings down the Church's teaching on being the one and holy church to the level of an interoffice memo,” says a Vatican insider. “We know it is true in our hearts but if nobody asks us, we just won’t make a thing out of it. We will still say the creed at mass but when we say, ‘We believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church,’ we will simply not specify who we mean.”

The document does not go into effect until August 17th, the feast of St. Perfidia. When a diocesan spokesperson was asked what a priest’s reaction should be when asked if the Catholic Church is the one true Church after this date he said, “We are recommending that he smile, arch his eyebrows thusly and shrug his shoulders. That should make everyone happy.”

(N.B. Satire Alert)