Today is a second of a two-part guest blog. If you did not read what M wrote in part one (or want to be reminded of which post it was) look here: JOHN 8:11. The first part may be a bit uncomfortable to read but she brings it home brilliantly as we travel her road to healing with her. This is a difficult topic. The hope is that if someone is on a similar path or contemplating starting down the same path, this sharing of her struggles might lead you to healing or to avoiding needing healing in the first place. Thanks for you bravery M! PART II
The second healing I needed was from having pre-marital sex. When we were going through Pre-Cana counseling, the priest told us that if we wouldn’t refrain from pre-marital sex for religious reasons, at least do it because once you are sexually active you lose your objectivity about the relationship. Unfortunately, it was too late for us. But I know now how true it is…if you have given another person everything you can, if you have held back nothing, you can’t afford to believe he doesn’t love you.
So again, I went to the adoration chapel. Here is my conversation with God:
I need to be reconciled with my body.
I hate my body. I hate that it’s fat and ugly. I hate that when it’s not fat and ugly, it’s sexy. I hate that even when it is fat and ugly, it’s sexy. I hate that it is a source of sin.
Yes, a source of sin. It was a source of sin when I was young – I used it to get “love in all the wrong places.” I used it in desperation. I was so desperate to be loved that I sold my body…and my soul. Sometimes I think it cost me everything. I know that’s not fair. I know God write straight with our crooked paths – but sometimes I wonder – although I dare not – what would have happened if I had not been so promiscuous.
A source of sin…the sin of contraception, the sin of abortion, all the sexual sins. If I didn’t have a body, I wouldn’t be a sexual being. I could be loved for who I am, not what I look like or what physical ecstasy I bring another person. I hate that the first thing someone sees about me is my body – an empty shell. I hate my body.
If you didn’t have a body, you couldn’t get hugs.
I wouldn’t need hugs
If you didn’t have a body, you couldn’t see or hear or taste or feel
Don’t angels hear and feel (maybe not taste, but if I didn’t have taste, I probably wouldn’t be a food addict – so there!)
Angels don’t hear and feel and see the way you do. They can hear thoughts, but not the crunch of snow or the laughter of children. They cannot see rainbows or sunrises or smiles or a wink. They cannot feel the warmth of the sun or the bitter chill of arctic air.
I would give it all
up
They cannot partake of the precious Body and Blood of Jesus
They dwell in his presence!
You do not.
I don’t care. I hate my body!
Hate is a very strong word.
Let me repeat, I hate my body!
Look at me.
Why…why do you always make me look at you?
Look at me.
OK
I knew what it was like to live without a body. I chose to live in one…
I didn’t!
Stop interrupting
Yes sir.
I chose more physical pain than you will ever have. I chose more emotional pain than you will ever have. I made my choices with full knowledge of the consequences, you did not. And I have forgiven you…your body is not the so
urce of your sin, it is your mind. Your body is simply the instrument you use to carry out your sin. You hate your body because you want to separate yourself from the sin.
Hate the sin!
Separate yourself from the shame. Forgive. You were right when you decided that the person you need to forgive the most was yourself. Forgive yourself. Begin to reconcile yourself with your body. It is a gift from me…love it and use it wisely.
Love my body. What is there to love about my body?
It is relatively healthy considering how much I have abused it for the last XX years.
I can see…things I like to see – snow, flowers in the spring, the sun through the clouds, smiles. My children!
I can hear…things I like to hear – music! Rain, wind, the gentle breathing
of someone asleep, a baby crying, thunder, a clock ticking, a cheering crow, my own precious name.
I can feel – things I like to feel – hugs! Smooth soft things like velvet, a baby’s skin. My own tears. Cold, warmth. Things I don’t like to feel, but that tell me something is wrong – pain.
I can taste and smell – chocolate, coffee, cinnamon, sweet and sour, bitter, salty. The Body and Blood of Jesus Christ.
I can walk and run. I can use a computer.
But if I don’t blame my body, I have to take responsibility for my actions. Then I have to forgive me.
I have to forgive me for being so needy.
I have to forgive my parents for not knowing how to love me.
I have to forgive myself and my partners for taking advantage of each other.
I choose to let go. I choose to forgive.
The second healing I needed was from having pre-marital sex. When we were going through Pre-Cana counseling, the priest told us that if we wouldn’t refrain from pre-marital sex for religious reasons, at least do it because once you are sexually active you lose your objectivity about the relationship. Unfortunately, it was too late for us. But I know now how true it is…if you have given another person everything you can, if you have held back nothing, you can’t afford to believe he doesn’t love you.
So again, I went to the adoration chapel. Here is my conversation with God:
I need to be reconciled with my body.
I hate my body. I hate that it’s fat and ugly. I hate that when it’s not fat and ugly, it’s sexy. I hate that even when it is fat and ugly, it’s sexy. I hate that it is a source of sin.
Yes, a source of sin. It was a source of sin when I was young – I used it to get “love in all the wrong places.” I used it in desperation. I was so desperate to be loved that I sold my body…and my soul. Sometimes I think it cost me everything. I know that’s not fair. I know God write straight with our crooked paths – but sometimes I wonder – although I dare not – what would have happened if I had not been so promiscuous.
A source of sin…the sin of contraception, the sin of abortion, all the sexual sins. If I didn’t have a body, I wouldn’t be a sexual being. I could be loved for who I am, not what I look like or what physical ecstasy I bring another person. I hate that the first thing someone sees about me is my body – an empty shell. I hate my body.
If you didn’t have a body, you couldn’t get hugs.
I wouldn’t need hugs
If you didn’t have a body, you couldn’t see or hear or taste or feel
Don’t angels hear and feel (maybe not taste, but if I didn’t have taste, I probably wouldn’t be a food addict – so there!)
Angels don’t hear and feel and see the way you do. They can hear thoughts, but not the crunch of snow or the laughter of children. They cannot see rainbows or sunrises or smiles or a wink. They cannot feel the warmth of the sun or the bitter chill of arctic air.
I would give it all
upThey cannot partake of the precious Body and Blood of Jesus
They dwell in his presence!
You do not.
I don’t care. I hate my body!
Hate is a very strong word.
Let me repeat, I hate my body!
Look at me.
Why…why do you always make me look at you?
Look at me.
OK
I knew what it was like to live without a body. I chose to live in one…
I didn’t!
Stop interrupting
Yes sir.
I chose more physical pain than you will ever have. I chose more emotional pain than you will ever have. I made my choices with full knowledge of the consequences, you did not. And I have forgiven you…your body is not the so
urce of your sin, it is your mind. Your body is simply the instrument you use to carry out your sin. You hate your body because you want to separate yourself from the sin.Hate the sin!
Separate yourself from the shame. Forgive. You were right when you decided that the person you need to forgive the most was yourself. Forgive yourself. Begin to reconcile yourself with your body. It is a gift from me…love it and use it wisely.
Love my body. What is there to love about my body?
It is relatively healthy considering how much I have abused it for the last XX years.
I can see…things I like to see – snow, flowers in the spring, the sun through the clouds, smiles. My children!
I can hear…things I like to hear – music! Rain, wind, the gentle breathing
of someone asleep, a baby crying, thunder, a clock ticking, a cheering crow, my own precious name.I can feel – things I like to feel – hugs! Smooth soft things like velvet, a baby’s skin. My own tears. Cold, warmth. Things I don’t like to feel, but that tell me something is wrong – pain.
I can taste and smell – chocolate, coffee, cinnamon, sweet and sour, bitter, salty. The Body and Blood of Jesus Christ.
I can walk and run. I can use a computer.
But if I don’t blame my body, I have to take responsibility for my actions. Then I have to forgive me.
I have to forgive me for being so needy.
I have to forgive my parents for not knowing how to love me.
I have to forgive myself and my partners for taking advantage of each other.
I choose to let go. I choose to forgive.
4 comments:
Beautiful, and thank you.
I've had a hard time forgiving myself, too. And really still do. And although my lack of forgiveness has taken a different track than yours, well, some of my conversations with Jesus have been similar to yours, specifically, this part:
Look at me.
Why…why do you always make me look at you?
Look at me.
OK
Yup...sounds familiar! (Actually, if I remember His actual words, they were...."Look at me, I'm tired of looking at the top of your head!" Ouch.
But you know...more and more I've been seeing how my sin has put me more in touch with His mercy, and that all that stuff wrapped up in the worst sins are those very things that are making me see how much I need to ACCEPT His mercy. We often see ourselves as just complete beasts....Jesus sees us as wounded souls in need of healing. And once we understand that, we are more willing to come to Him and accept His love on His terms.
i wish i could always get as vulnerable with myself as you have.
some days i do, many i don't.
being older doesn't always make us wiser - but we do always have more history to have to work through.
thanks for the sharing.
Extremely brave of you, thank you for the post. It's given me much food for thought. I wasn't promiscuous before I married, but it still took a long time for me to love and understand my body (taking up running helped. :-))
Frankly, I wonder why people think these issues go away once you marry, as if sex in married life is less complex than pre-marital sex. But that's another issuse. Thanks again for your honesty.
Anika
Thank you for this.
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