JUST HOLD ON ONE SECOND

Years ago some seminaries used to teach seminarians how to smoke.  It was for a very good reason.  It slowed conversation down and gave the man time to think.  As something important is being laid out by a spiritual directee he would prepare a pipe.  When the person asked a question (and not always do immediate answers come to mind) he might say, “Let’s see,” as he takes the first couple of puffs on his pipe to get the tobacco going before he opened his mouth to say something.  This was valuable thinking and processing time.  Now that time is gone and filled with chatter or awkward silences.

Instant gratification isn’t always a good thing.  (In fact, it seems it is more often not that case than is.)  I had to open a Facebook account in order to start a Go Fund Me page for our new school and have discovered a whole new world of ways people can get in touch with me.  Shwew!  This is just on top of all the other ways people can get in touch with you no matter where you are . . . in a car . . . in the golf course . . . in the middle of Mass . . .

The temptation is to read (or listen) and respond immediately.  Thinking time is drastically reduced.  Yes, I am old enough to remember when snail mail was the only means to get a written text to someone.  If you had to write something to someone on an unpleasant topic, you had to gather your writing materials, write - perhaps redraft - maybe have to go buy a stamp - walk to the postbox - hold the letter in the mouth of the box thinking, “Should I or shouldn’t I?  Last chance,” before dropping it in.  All this was thinking time.  (Sometimes it was stewing time.)

I know, everybody wants an answer right now.  But it might be wise to not to hit the send button right away.  Think about it.  Maybe overnight.  Say a prayer about it.  Ask for guidance.  Read it again in the morning.  

It’s better for you than taking up smoking.

MONDAY DIARY: AMOST EXCRUCIATINGLY TRUE STORIES: THE WONDERS OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY

I had an evening away recently with Fr. Bline, one of my classmates from seminary.  We talked about a lot of things as we approach 18 years of priesthood.  One of the things we talked about is how much we have changed.  An example of this is the picture below.

I will explain.  Earlier this week I was expecting a phone call from our Bishop.  Failing to make a connection I asked his secretary to give him my cellphone number so that he could reach me and I would not have to be tied to my desk.  So I waited and waited and waited and . . . nothing.

I decided to go out and do something and as soon as I stepped outside my phone pinged.  There was a phone message.

Yes, the bishop called and my phone did not register it for 5 hours!  I was a little panicked.

10 years ago, failure of a phone like that would have made me angry.  Now I am surprisingly not so upset by it.

TECHNOLOGY SAVED BY BEAUTY or The Qwerkywriter for the Qwerky Among Us

So I got a new toy.  I am using it to write to you.  This toy is very important to me because it marks, what I hope to be, a new phase in technology - a phase that might actually get this Luddite's buy in.

Yes, technology has made life easier.  This I do not argue.  It does things more quickly and often better.  I benefit in many ways because of it.  But in many ways life is also uglier because of it.  When I see a computer in someone's office, I see awkward black objects strung together with black cables that is often at odds with the rest of the feel of the room not unlike a utility box appears in the middle of your otherwise green front lawn.

It may be sleek and powerful and well designed, but I rarely find it beautiful to look at.  (Not everyone agrees I understand.). In fact, a lot of money is spent covering up these devices to make them more palatable.  (Is this because I am 50 years old?). Here is a picture of my iPad, my Kindle, and my iPhone all of which have things that hide them and make them more pleasing.

Not too long ago I was on a junk buying trip with Fr. Orndorf and I bought a mid-last century Underwood Typewriter.  I use it for art projects and typing forms and envelopes when going into the next room to set up the printer is too much work.  Maybe not to everybody, but to me it is also beautiful.  There is some style to it.  Even if it is not used, there is something pleasing about being in its presence.  Some of that might be nostalgia but not all of it.  It is one of the objects in my office that receives attention when people visit.  "Wow!  Look at that!  Awesome!"

Then Father Ott told me of a new keyboard called "Qwerkywriter".  The keyboard resembles that of my Underwood.  It is fully functional except for the paper advance knobs on the sides.  (I would have rated it AAA+++ if these had been made the on/off switch or something.)  It is of metal construction, wireless save for charging and I find it pleasing to look at as well as fun to use.  It feels permanent and important.  When people come into my office, they are drawn to it now to an even greater degree than they are to the Underwood because it is taking the best in design and marrying it to the practicalities of modern need and technology.

This may sound like shameless product placement but I am not receiving anything for writing this nor was I asked to give a review.  This is important to me and IMHO to us as a people of faith as it relates to beauty.  That we can do more and better and more quickly and cheaper is wonderful, but we are neglecting an essential element of what it is to be human if we do not also make it beautiful.  If we ignore the beautiful it will be to our soul like missing a vitamin or mineral would be to our bodies.  We may get along just fine without it for a long time, but after a while, the effects will start to show and we may not even be able to put a finger on exactly what is wrong, but we will know that something is missing and that our lives will be less for it.

MONDAY DIARY: ALMOST EXCRUCIATINGLY TRUE STORIES: THE WEED OF TECHNOLOGY BEARS BITTER FRUIT

I was perfectly happy living in my barely 20th century world but like Eve in the Garden of Eden, I was tempted and Oh! I bit into that apple - or is it Apple?

Ah yes, so tempting it was!  For so long I was Appless without shame but then I saw that the fruit was good and tempting to the eye and useful for knowledge.  So slowly, every so slowly I gave myself over and for so long it was good.

It was largely secret.  I had a reputation to uphold so when my friends came over I hid my Apple self because I was afraid.  But eventually I was won over by the dark side.  "Write your homily on your computer," I was told.  "You can edit much more easily and store them forever."  And I was as anxious to do this as David was to number his people.  Thusly was my homily written and then - AND THEN!  OH!  The HORROR - the Internet at St. Sebastian went dark!  I pressed "print" and NOTHING HAPPENED.  It was almost time for Mass to start and I couldn't put my computer on the ambo.  Or could I?

The trials of that Sunday morning having passed, I thought to watch a little TV and relax.

ARG!  The T.V. too is reliant on the Internet.  So I thought to read a book on my Kindle.

How far I had fallen!  Having finished a book I downloaded some samples thinking that if one of the books intrigued me I would download the rest of it and have something to read Sunday night.  But I was banished from the electronic garden of books to crawl in despair on my belly.

At least I could do my prayers.

WHICH I NORMALLY DO ON MY IPAD

DO NOT LET COMPUTERS THINK LIKE HUMANS

An editorial in today's paper made the suggestion that there be a Hypoctratic oath for computers - well - for computer programers I suppose.  In light of the Volkswagen automobile computer scandal ,ethicists are wondering what kind of boundaries should be placed on those who tell computers how to "think."

In a nutshell, the computers onboard VWs were program to lie to humans to tell them that the cars were not polluting the air that humans were breathing thereby allowing humans to slowly continue poisoning themselves unawares.  Once the computer was thus programmed it required no further human input to continue the lying.

It was suggested that a code of ethics be developed for programmers much the same as we have for doctors.  Rule #1 - do no harm to humans, etc . . .

Of course, on the other hand, we want computers to think as humanly as possible.  It seems we are at cross purposes here.  Suppose your car could think like a human and it was mulling over the ethics of lying to the government about whether your car was putting the earth and putting humanity at risk.  Doctors face these questions all the time. 

"Do no harm."  Hypcratic oath #1.

But what if a human being comes to you and wants you to put another human being to death because that human being threatens a good life for her?  Her rights, her body, her other desires take precedent and medical professionals can easily rationalize what they are doing and believe they are still fulfilling their Hypocratic oath.  In California and Utah, doctors can feel they are still in line with their oath by granting the wish to die by their patients.  Allegedly Planned Parenthood can sell viable body parts from what they otherwise deem non-viable human beings with the idea that they are making the world a better place and proclaim that they have broken no laws and therefore are still moral and have not broken their promise to do no harm.

So my car.  Do I want it to think like a human being?

"I know I should not be polluting like this BUT think of my poor owner.  He can barely afford me let alone get a new car.  And if this becomes part of a recall, think of all the poor workers and stockholders that will lose their shirts - not to mention call dealers, advertisers, and truck drivers.  What is a little more poison in the atmosphere compared to all the good that could be accomplished if I just keep my printouts to myself?"

Do we really want computers to think like us?

WHAT CAN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH LEARN FROM THE APPLE CORPORATION?

I had an occasion to go to an Apple store recently.  For the first time I went unaccompanied by an adult in the computer world.  I was intimidated.  I didn't know what I was doing, what questions to ask, or even really what I needed.  I felt out of place and out of touch.  But I put my big boy pants and went.

The store was by far the brightest, cleanest storefront in the mall.  It's presence just stuck out like a cathedral in a medieval town.  They capitalized on the energy of the store having the entire front open so that you could see the energy of all the people.  But this was also off putting.  What am I supposed to do when I go in there???

The atmosphere was almost Church like.  Every inch of space told you exactly where you were.  Instead of a crucifix the Apple apple was prominently displayed.  Saints were picture along the walls (outrageously happy people using Apple products.)  There was a recognizable clergy of sorts wearing habits of blue shirts with crucifixes - er - I mean apples on them.

So I walk in and an extremely pleasant Apple clergyman walked up to me and said, "Good evening, how may I help you?"

I showed him the object in my hand and said, "This either doesn't work or I am ignorant.  I am not sure which."

He directed me to where in the store I should go and what I should expect.  A lady came up to me and addressed me by my first name (which I have never gone by in my life but whatever) and she heard my confession - er - I mean listened to the difficulty I was having with my product. 

She apologized profusely that she didn't know enough about the thing that I brought to her and talked into her collar (microphone of some sort) and another, extremely polite man came over and she explained the problem.  "Well, let's see what we can do for you sir.  We are here to solve problems!"  And he explained to her, "Why don't you stay with us so you can learn how to do this in the future," for which she seemed genuinely grateful.

During this time the staff interacted in a most interesting way.  One person crumpled up a piece of paper and another reached out to take it and throw it away.  One person stated that they were going to go do something and another said, "I'm on my way, let me get that for you."  It was like the whole place was an old couple still in love and anticipating the other's well known needs.  There were lots of "Thank you" and "excuse me's."  I told my cleric, "Everyone is so polite here."  He smiled and simply agreed.   Then I said, "I imagine the people with whom you deal are not always so polite back."  It was then that I saw only the mildest of breaks in the facade.  For a moment there was a ruffled brow and a deep breath and as he blew the wind out of his lungs he simply said, "Well, you know . . . " and then perked right back up.

One of the Apple clerics showed me a computer.  "This is like art!  Like a Michael Angelo the way it was constructed!"  I thought that was a little over the top but without fail they all appeared to believe in the product they were selling.  Knowing that I was a priest, he showed me how to see the Vatican on the computer.  I thought that was thoughtful.  He could have picked Disneyland I suppose.

All and all it was a positive experience where I thought I was going to be miserable.  Granted, we are doing different things.  They are selling a manmade product for profit.  We are introducing people to a Person; Jesus Christ.  The Church is not a business but there are aspects of it that are business like and we could learn a thing or two.

DID I SAY THANK YOU?

In the original Law and Order series they had the odd habit of ending conversations abruptly.  I suppose it was so that they could get more of the important dialogue in.  When the police officers would interview someone on the street, when they got the information that they wanted, the police officers just walked away talking to each other – no “good bye” or “thanks” not even a, “Don’t leave town” – they just walked away.

 

I find myself facing the same thing with my phone.  It talks to me now.  Usually when I am driving.  “Ciri,” I’ll say, “Please read my texts to me.”  He (and mine is a he – Father K turned him into an English gentlemen – he will say, “You have two texts from Fr. Soandso.  Would you like me to read them to you?”  “Yes!” I reply.  Ciri then reads my texts and asks if I would like to reply.  “No.” 

 

Then that’s it.

 

Just like a conversation on Law and Order.

 

It is a terrible habit in which to fall.

 

I say, “Fight the machine!”  Push the button again.  Tell Ciri, “Thank you.”  Every time.  He will have a response for you.  It takes a little extra effort, but do it.

 

No, Ciri does not need thanked.  Ciri is a mindless computer.  It is we who need to thank, not a machine that needs thanking.  We need practice to be gracious and mindful.  If you need something to be thanked, think of your thanks as a prayer for all that make Ciri possible.  Or make the thanks to God.  But be a thankful person.  It is a difficult enough discipline to form, don’t let a computer rob you of it.

MONDAY DIARY: ALMOST EXCRUCIATINGLY TRUE STORIES: ME STUCK IN AN iWORLD

When I was a kid, my best friend and next door neighbor Andy got the first computer on the block.  It was a big, clunky thing that needed a cassette tape player thingy that acted as the dos.  (I really don't know what that means.)  We played games on it that by today's standards were pretty primitive.  (Pong.)  One day he said that I should get a computer and so being close to Christmas I went and asked my Mom for a computer for Christmas. 

 

"What on earth would we do with a computer in this house."  It was a statement, not a question.  It was kind of a "You'll poke your eye out" kind of kill statement.  (Remember this was before the Internet and when the typical phone was still leashed to the wall like a disobedient dog.)

 

So I went and asked Andy, my friend, what we could possibly use a computer for besides games.  I needed to sell my Mom.  He gave me some ideas and so I went back to my Mom:

 

"Mom!  Andy said you could write your letters on it or even store your recipes!"

 

Mom's eyes narrowed and she placed her hand on a wooden box.  "Here are my recipes," she said.  "No wires, portable, instantly accessible, and I can store it anywhere.  I don't need a computer to store my recipes."

 

My family was doomed to the stone age.

 

So I blame my parents for my lack of technical savvy.  Recently I was gifted with an ithing.  (I think it's an ipad but don't take money on it.  I don't really know an ipad from an iball.)  The problem is I can't figure out what to do with it like my Mother couldn't figure out what to do with a computer.

 

Fr. Pfeiffer (who helped me get it up and running) suggested that I do my Liturgy of the Hours on it.  (That's the official prayer of the Catholic Church to be prayed throughout the day.  Turns out it's a free download.  Try it.)  He said, "You know how you have to check an ordo to know what to pray and then flip pages like mad?  Everything is just laid out for you on the (ithing).  It helps you just focus on actually praying."

 

As it turns out, it did help me pray more:

"It's very intuitive," I was told.  "Just play with it.  It is very easy to figure out."

My liturgical underwear it is.

It just sort of happened and I have no idea why.  I figure I accidentally must of hit something on the screen and so spent the next hour torturing the thing trying to figure out how to get my prayers back into an language I could pray.

I finally find a help button.  Do you know what it says?  "Hit the flag button to change languages."  Sounds easy right?  I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HIT THAT BUTTON A LONG TIME AGO IF I COULD FIND IT.  How this is supposed to be intuitive I don't know.  I'm turning the thing, rebooting, hitting every button that I can find and GUESS WHAT!  The FLAG BUTTON IS INVISIBLE UNTIL YOU HIT IT!

Well, now it works.  And has been sitting on my desk for a few weeks while I've returned to my book.  I'm trying to figure out what to do with it.  Maybe I can keep recipes on it.

VIRTUAL UNITY?

“Community is lost in virtual communion” was the title of an editorial that appeared in the Beacon Journal last week written by Alex Beam of the Boston Globe.  It concerns a Methodist minister in North Carolina who wants to start a “virtual campus” of religious services via computer which would include Holy Communion, one of two sacraments, the other being baptism, that the Methodists recognize.  Adherents would be able to have a house Church of sorts, gathering together on line to pray under the leadership of a pastor.

 

The article was against this idea.  I must admit that I am not that much against it.  Not for Catholics mind you, but for much of the Protestant world I do not think it that far off track.  Once one lets go of the catholic ideal in the small “c” sense (that they may all be one John 17:21), how can one really argue against it as long as certain precautions are met.  The word catholic means universal.  For Catholics, it means one Church for all peoples, all times, everywhere.  There a ton of implications with that, far too many to go into here but which include such as unity in worship, leadership, belief, and etc.

 

But what if you are starting point is a division?  (Remember, I am taking this from a Catholic position, my Protestant brothers and sisters will take a very different view.)  For example, the minister cited above makes the argument that Methodism’s cofounder, John Wesley, was a radical religious innovator in the 18^th century.  Part of that innovation was to break from established Church and begin something new (or old, if one believes they were returning to something original in Christ’s mission.)  A new Church was formed with its own belief system and hierarchy.  What gave them the authority to do so?  Well, one argument is that the Bible did.  The Holy Spirit did.  The teachings of Jesus did. 

 

There was in interesting religious (non-denominational Protestant) talk show on the radio a few years ago (the particulars escape me now) concerning the problem of people not showing up for Protestant services.  A man called in who said he and few other families were no longer satisfied with the Protestant churches in his area and so, after taking classes in the Bible, they decided to start their own Church.  They gather at each other’s homes on Sunday morning, sing, read Scriptures, and have a sermon that is crafted just for them.  The radio host admitted that he could not argue with him.  They were getting back to the roots of Christianity (in their view.)  Where did they get their authority to do this?  The same place that John Wesley did.

 

The on-line Church is just the next phase of this I would think.  Why not?  The biggest question would be why bother?  Perhaps it would be nice not to have to write your own sermon, study the Bible, or come up with your own hymns.  But instead PayPaling this minister, why not invite your two neighbors over and start your own Church?  It seems a natural evolution of the roots of the movement. 

 

Unless your theology is really about universal community and sacraments and Apostolic succession (as the Catholic Church holds it) and human touch and voice and unity as a corporate body connected in worship, leadership, and belief.  Then there is a problem. 

MONDAY DIARY: AM I GETTING OLD?

We are so close the end of the liturgical year that you can already see the purple vestments being taken out of storage.  It is time for the annual changing over of the books.  The missal ribbons all need to be moved back to the front pages and we need to switch out the daily lectionary to the next cycle.  The weekend lectionary will be put on the shelf and its next sibling brought down and the Book of Gospels changes over.  We move from the current volume of the breviary to the first volume and reset all the ribbons in order to pray the Liturgy of the Hours in advent.  All of the hundreds of missallettes must be collected, hauled to the recycle bin, and replaced with the books for the new liturgical year.  And the ordos (the books that tell you what books you are supposed to be using and what page you should be looking at in those books) are discarded and replaced with new ones.  Finally, the lector’s workbooks are passed out that have the readings for the new year.  It is time consuming, sometimes wasteful, and often confusing.  But it is a great marking of the change of the seasons.  It is not unlike the muddy time between a colorful autumn and the white of winter.

 

Unless, of course, you are one of those person who uses ithings for everything.  In which case Saturday will be the day you hit the reset button.

 

No muddy season for you.

 

*sigh*

MONDAY DIARY: ALMOST EXCRUCIATINGLY TRUE STORIES: HOW CAN I KEEP UP IF I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHICH WAY TO RUN?

The time finally came to retire my car.   I was not particularly excited about the idea.  At one time, the idea of going out and picking car seemed like it might be thrilling but I must admit that I find the whole thing rather a bother.  But my old Buick, a decade old, starting to rust, and having well over 100,000 miles and needing the investment "significant funds," was ready to go on to its next life.

 

So this is how I pick out my cars:  A dealer is given the vehicular requirements and asked to call me when they have a car.  This time's list consisted of this: a used car for a 6'3" person, not red and not white, 4 doors, and preferably stick shift but that's optional.  A number is also listed but, of course, it's never less than I hope to spend.

 

There was only one other request; NO CLOTHE SEATS.  I have nothing against them except that Sebastian has vindictive hair that I can only assume has something against the auto industry.

His hair drills its way into the upholstery and must have little claws that make it virtually impossible to dislodge.  I've gone to stores and car cleaning places and they just shake their heads.  "Get a car seat cover" they say.  I did!  But his hair is so insidious that floats around until it finds a bare patch of material and then weaves itself in defying removal.

 

So I get a phone call saying that they have found a car for me (for just slightly more than I was intending to spend.)  And it is a very nice car but a little confusing to me.

So I asked if we could find something a little more simple.  Just a car.  Not the Swiss Army Knife of automobiles.  "I'm sorry," said the dealer, "but once you have leather seats, all this pretty much comes standard."

 

"But I didn't say I want leather seats.  I just said I wanted non-clothe seats."

 

"Father, there is only leather and clothe."

 

So here I am with a car with so many gadgets we are still at the point where I don't know how to use more things than I know how to use.  My sister and cousin sat in the car during a drive to Cleveland the other day and spent the time re-adjusting the clock during the last time change.

 

So guess what.  I am old.  I finally admit it.  At least I am old as far as technology is concerned.  It took three priests here last week to get my ithing set up and it was supposed to be easy and intuitive.  I remember my grandparents not having a phone in their house because the technology was too intrusive.  HA!  If they only knew.

 

So am I much better?  This is how I remember things when I was a kid:

And of course this is how things are:

Pretty soon there will not be any such thing as owning devices, there will be one universal device that will do everything from showing movies, to making calls, to doing your banking, to making your orange juice in the morning.  (Wait!  Isn't this already happening?)

 

Maybe I should take up knitting.

MONDAY DIARY: ALMOST EXCRUSIATINGLY TRUE STORIES ARE BACK

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.  I have a certain feeling of betrayal that seems to be haunting me.

Fortunately it is not from anybody (or any dog) but from my technology.  I will admit I am not only not very adept with technology but I also do not treat it very well.  But the whole techno-world seems to be venting itself against me lately.  As a matter of fact the paper that this cartoon is so crudely drawn on comes from a copier incident in which I sent a long document to the copier from my office and it printed it as gibberish about seventy five times - so there should be comics coming for a while.

My computer is has been acting up.  Poor thing.  I should be understanding more though.  If it were a person it would be reaching the age of reason.  Unfortunately computers age more quickly than even dogs.

Another piece of machinery that has betrayed me lately is our dish washer.  A dish washer is not just a dish washer, it is a keeper of the peace.  I found that out in spades coming home from a vacation and finding out that our dish washer was broken.

Now I would think that an "OUT OF ORDER" sign on such a machine would cause (certain) people to understand that that means one must wash one's own glasses and dishes.  Nay, nay.  It means that certain people start stacking their dishes on the counter.  So I put up a sign.

Soon I discovered that two signs were not enough.  So I put up a third.  "That will teach them!" I thought.

Nay, nay.  At least I hid my dirty dishes in my room until the dang thing was fixed.  Two trying weeks went by and the dish washer repair man (not as lonely, it turns out, as the commercial pretends) finally got around to restoring peace and harmony to the rectory.  Now everybody is happy and we get along much better.

Which brings me to the latest act of betrayal by machinery.  This is by AOL.  Now, I've always been relatively happy with AOL until this past week.  After years of having little problems with it, turning on my computer and having my mail pop right up, this past week this came up instead:

Now you would think this would be easy enough.  In fact, my code did come up also as those little black circles that you see.  But when I pressed enter this came up:

"How can that be?" I asked myself.  So then I tried to remember the code (that I hadn't had to remember in about four years.  I actually remembered the digits in it but (apparently) not the correct order.  So I made a long list and rearranged the digits in every combination I could conger but no luck.  "Is God angry with me?" I mused.

"Use the name and question option" you might say to yourself.  Nay, nay!  This account was set up for me years ago.  In fact, at the time, one still PAID to be on AOL!  The person who set it up for me, God rest his soul, is no longer around for me to ask even if he should remember!  I am SO distraught.