TIS THE SEASON

Tis the season of ordinations to the priesthood and assignment changes for priests and some people want to do something nice him.  Monsignor Manners finds himself cornered quite often by persons demanding to know what they “could get” for a particular cleric.  By and large the etiquette for buying gifts for clergy are the exact same as that for anybody else.  To that extent, Monsignor Manners recommends that you go on line and look up advice written by Miss Manners.  Examples are HERE and HERE.

 

Unless you know your priest well, there are a couple of things I would recommend avoiding.  Plaques would be at the top of my list.  Granted, it may be different in your situation.  You may know the priest well and know exactly what to get him.  Unfortunately when people are stumped, they tend to buy plaques.  Considering the sheer number a man might receive it is good to remember his living conditions.  If he is newly ordained he will most likely not have that much room.  He will have an office, a bedroom, and possibly a sitting room.  And he will only be there for a limited amount of time.  In the Diocese of Cleveland that would be four years.  Now, Monsignor Manners has been blessed in that he has always been assigned to parishes with ample rectories, but that is the exemption more than the rule.  So keep in the back of your mind limited space and the need to be moving around the diocese as he is transferred at the beginning of his ministry

 

Also be careful about gift cards.  Miss Manners finds these horrid excuses for gifts in general but there is also the problem of where the priest may end up.  Is that store convenient?  He may end up in a place where travel to the store is inconvenient and your fine gift will turn into a fine gift for that company.

 

There is one important area in which Miss Manners and Monsignor disagree.  That might be overstating it a bit, for, in fact, most of the time I would give the same advice.  It concerns the giving of cash as a present.  Although in polite circles it is considered a thoughtless gift, in this particular case it is needed, appreciated, understood, and acceptable especially with the newly ordained.  They have just left the seminary.  Some seminaries do not allow the priest to work because they need to focus on their studies.  They have probably been driving an older car and will need something reliable.  They will be in need of a new wardrobe and books and other articles.  More than likely they have some sort of debt such as student loans.  And though they will be well taken care of, they are not going to be making a lot of money.  A monetary donation is as much of a funding of new ministry as it is a gift.

 

But don’t be afraid.  I received four books of blessings when I was ordained.  One went to my first parish that didn’t have one, one in my office, one travel version in my car, the other I gave to someone who didn’t have one.  Spiritual bouquets are also appreciated.  He will need lots of prayer.  That you thought of him and think that the life he has chosen is meaningful to you too means the world.

DID I SAY THANK YOU?

In the original Law and Order series they had the odd habit of ending conversations abruptly.  I suppose it was so that they could get more of the important dialogue in.  When the police officers would interview someone on the street, when they got the information that they wanted, the police officers just walked away talking to each other – no “good bye” or “thanks” not even a, “Don’t leave town” – they just walked away.

 

I find myself facing the same thing with my phone.  It talks to me now.  Usually when I am driving.  “Ciri,” I’ll say, “Please read my texts to me.”  He (and mine is a he – Father K turned him into an English gentlemen – he will say, “You have two texts from Fr. Soandso.  Would you like me to read them to you?”  “Yes!” I reply.  Ciri then reads my texts and asks if I would like to reply.  “No.” 

 

Then that’s it.

 

Just like a conversation on Law and Order.

 

It is a terrible habit in which to fall.

 

I say, “Fight the machine!”  Push the button again.  Tell Ciri, “Thank you.”  Every time.  He will have a response for you.  It takes a little extra effort, but do it.

 

No, Ciri does not need thanked.  Ciri is a mindless computer.  It is we who need to thank, not a machine that needs thanking.  We need practice to be gracious and mindful.  If you need something to be thanked, think of your thanks as a prayer for all that make Ciri possible.  Or make the thanks to God.  But be a thankful person.  It is a difficult enough discipline to form, don’t let a computer rob you of it.

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: THERE'S BREAKFAST AND THEN THERE'S BREAKFAST

Things are wonderfully hectic here at the parish as we prepare for the organ dedication.  They are so busy that one would think that Christmas was this weekend (save that there are no decorations in the house.)  So rather than say anything lengthy or useful, I thought I would share this humorous little tidbit under the category “Nuptial Entertaining.”  It concerns what should be served for breakfast to your guests the day after the wedding.

 

To quote Mrs. Fenner:  “To serve more than four courses for a wedding breakfast is almost unheard of nowadays.  (You can say that again.)  For such a breakfast as we have been describing, four might be served, in which case a possible menu would be:

 

“Consume Madrilene

Lobster Newberg * Toast Points

Cold Ham in Aspic * Endive Salad

Pineapple Ice

 

“The following three course menus are also elaborate enough for a lavish breakfast:

 

“Vichyssoise

Roast Duck with oranges * endive salad

Fruits refraische au rhum

 

or

 

“Melon

Roast Squab with Wild Rice * Russian Salad

Chocolate Ice Cream

 

or

 

“Minted Fresh Pineapple

Chicken Eugene * Asparagus, butter sauce

Strawberry Mousse”

 

Hmmmmm.

 

The traditional post nuptials breakfast in our family is potica and coffee.

 

Now to be fair she does offer other menus for less formal weddings but none of them include potica and coffee.

 

Only a couple times in my life have I had a breakfast like the ones mentioned above.  They were fun but I admit to rather a fan of “Farm Breakfasts” with a heavy emphasis on dairy and meat products. 

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: REV. YOUR ENGINES

When I was a very young man one of my best friend’s Dad was running for city council and they asked me to help them deliver flyers door to door.  The Father (who won in spite of what I am about to tell you) told me, “Call adults by their first names.  They love that.”  I couldn’t do it despite his prodding.  Mom had long beaten it into us (figuratively) that one never calls anybody by their first name unless invited to do so.  So it will ever be, “Mrs. Jones” until she says, “Oh please, call me Mary.”

 

Now I will admit that I have relaxed this rule quite a bit being a pastor as too often I have found people offended that I call them by their surname, there being understood a more intimate relationship between pastor and flock.  But I still recommend calling a priest by his surname “Father Jones” unless he offers otherwise, “Oh please call me Father Jack – or Jack.” 

 

I don’t go by my first name - ever.  And by ever I mean since I was born.  I had two uncles, and a grandpa named John.  There were 5 Johns in my grade school class, and 2 out of the 5 men in my ordination class are named John.  So I’ve always gone by various aliases none of which is very conducive with the priesthood.  It also helps a lot when trying to figure out who you are talking about.  Often a person will come up to me and say something like, “Do you know Father Mark?” and I might respond, “Which one?  There are a bunch of Fr. Marks.”  “Well, he’s about this tall and has hair that kind of does this thing . . .”  “I might know which one you are talking about.  What about him?”  “He wants you to call him.”

 

Anyway, there are a good number of reasonable explanations for why a priest might want to only go by his surname and it is just common courtesy (with anyone) to begin there. 

 

A priest is properly addressed as “Father” as in “Hey!  Father Jones!  How’s it going?”  One would never say in Catholic circles, “Hey!  Reverend Jones!  How’s it going?”  “The Reverend” is used when speaking of the priest in the third person such as in “Our speaker today will be The Rev. Jack Jones.”  In written formal capacities (such as on envelopes, programs, and the like) he is referred to as “The Rev. John Jones.”  “The reverend” never stands alone as in, “I talked to the reverend about it.”  That would be like saying, “I talked to the Mr. about it.” “The reverend” is also never used with just the last name as in The Rev. Jones.

 

THAT BEING SAID these rules are so often trampled over that to use the proper salutations sometimes seems wrong.  “Father” is often used in formal situation such as in wedding programs.  “Celebrant . . . . Father Jack Jones.”  And very often “Reverend” is used with the article dropped.  In fact, this is so often done that even some very reputable Catholic etiquette books will offer this as an option in certain situations even though, strictly speaking, it was not intended to be used in this way though now it is excepted often enough.

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: PUTTING THE MAN IN MANUTERGIA

Today is just a cleanup of some last notes about ordination.  It is interesting to note how many times Mrs. Fenner makes reference to “The priest and his mother . . .” It almost seems that Dad has been excused or is late of our company.  Modern senses might want Dad to be far more involved.

 

That being said there is a practical reason Mom is so relied upon: the priest does not have a person with whom to exercise the duties of hospitality at his own reception.  He has no bride.  And the reception is not so much being thrown in his honor as it is he is throwing a reception for those kind enough to have shown him support over the years.  A priest needs his Mother.  Apply that as you will.

 

Seminarians: in general, you will need to warn your mother about what will happen to her as you near ordination.  She will receive a lot of attention.  More than if you were getting married.  The larger community has a stake in your new vocation in a more visceral way and since you are away at seminary she can become a lightening rod of attention.  I remember my Mom being warned by mothers who went through ordination and she then warning mothers of future mothers of priests about the attention that they will receive. 

 

That is not to say that things are not expected of the father.  It is traditional (but not mandatory) that the dad give a toast at the reception followed by words of the pastor and then the newly ordained.  Monsignor Manners highly suggests that you have your remarks prepared in advance and that you keep them concise as possible.  People want to hear you and when you take the microphone they will have broad smiles and shining eyes.  This is a highly emotional event and you most likely will be quite overwhelmed.  There is a (horrible) tendency to begin droning on and on, repeating yourself, over and over; going over the same things again and again, then remembering someone else to thank, and declaring how wonderful you feel over and over. (Get it?)  At this point smiles will become strained, some of the sparkle in people’s eyes will fade, and your friends from seminary will start snickering.  Don’t be that guy.  People will be afraid to come hear your homilies.

 

The new priest should also be prepared to give some gifts.  Generally there is a reception after the rehearsal – especially for the seminarians and your MC who will be helping out with your first Mass.  Mom might make something (or Dad grill something) or just order pizza.  Nothing fancy is needed.  If you have relied heavily on your MC and/or pastor, some small token would be appropriate.  They are instrumental in making the day run smoothly since you most likely will be torn in twenty different directions.

 

Then there is something for Mom and Dad.  A traditional gift for mom is the manutergium.  Most technically this no longer exists in the ordinary form of ordination.  At one time it used to catch the excess Chrism oil used on the priest’s hands at ordination.  Today, the priest wipes his hands on a purificator.  But carrying on the tradition, Monsignor Manners had a purificator made (that I had over my cincture) that had, “In honor of my sons ordination.  The Rev. John A. Valencheck DATE” embroidered on it (white on white), which I gave to her at the reception and with which she was subsequently buried when she passed.  If you are not into such things there are many other meaningful choices.

 

One idea that a classmate came up with was a pen.  Each to-be-ordained must write a letter to the bishop asking for Holy Orders.  We purchased nice pens, wrote out our letters, made a photocopy of the letter and gave it and the pen to our fathers as a thank you gift.  Be creative.

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: I'M GETTING ORDAINED IN THE MORNIN'. DING DONG THE BELLS ARE GONNA CHIME

Say that you are invited to an ordination; what does that mean?  Depending on the size of the cathedral and class size, the ordination ceremony for diocesan priests are quite often open to the diocese.  And First Masses of thanksgiving, because they are sacramental in nature, are open to the general worshiping community also.  But it is an honor to be specifically invited to such an event.  For both occasions those attending should dress as though they are attending a wedding Mass.

An invitation to the reception is most often another matter.  Though at times a simple reception is held and all those who attend the Masses are welcome, most often there will be a dinner arranged for invited guests.  And though it may range from very formal to a more relaxed atmosphere, unless noted the dress is the same as for the Mass.

Almost every year someone wanting to give a newly ordained a gift will ask me what to give him.  Firstly, as in all celebrations no gifts are required.  There is no payment due for an invitation issued.  Your presence is what is gift.  But most do wish to make some sort of acknowledgement in this way.

My advice?  NO RELIGIOUS PLAQUES.  Very few people can carry this off and get what the priest will want to look at on his office wall for the rest of his life or at least the next 10 years of it.  And there is usually a box full of interesting wall plagues that he has stored away somewhere.  Similarly are other religious items that are considered bric-a-brac.  If you are picking something out for his ministry be very careful.  He will have certain tastes and if you buy him an expensive silk stole with realistic hand stitched images of the four Evangelists but he is in to burlap with felt flowers, your gift will not get much use.  Likewise be careful about liturgical books and things such as sick call kits as several of these may find their way into his hands.  There are ways of finding out what the man needs.  A recent development has been registers at the local Catholic store, but though helpful, this seems a bit off color – as if one is expecting gifts.

It should be remembered that the man is still a man and will need the very average things that most young men need.  This is very extravagant but one of the best gifts that I received along this line was a set of luggage that I still use today.  A sweater that looks good with clerics I still cherish though it is getting on to a decade and half since I have been ordained.  To everyone but me it is time to let it die a peaceful death. 

Unlike priests who take a vow of poverty, a young diocesan priest may accept monetary gifts though most etiquette books abhor the notion and I normally would agree.  This will highly depend on the individual man, but many come from simple means, have been students unable to work much of their time in seminary, will not be making much by way of compensation, and have accepted that they will be living simply.  They may have been nursing a car along for the past number of years and reliable transportation is imperative in the ministry.  (I am thinking of my decades old Ford LTD that regularly shed pieces of its body as I drove down the street.)  For these reasons both Mrs. Fenner and Monsignor Manners make an exception to the “no money as gifts” rule – for it can be seen not so much as an excuse for the thoughtfulness of a gift, but a donation toward a ministry.

FRIDAY POTPURRI: SEEKING ADVICE

This week Monsignor Manners is stumped.  Mrs. Fenner is of no help, I cannot find anything in my books, and I've even written to Miss Manners who no longer personally responds to letters because of the high volume of requests she receives and so suggests that we keep an eye out in the paper should she be able to respond.  So I though I would turn to you and see if you have any idea on this fine point of invitations.

 

When it comes to invitations it seems that no matter how much my resources may vary on details, they all agree on one thing: Someone must do the inviting.  But what if that person is a juridical person such as a parish?  For example, "we" will soon be having the dedicatory blessing and concert of our organ and wish to specifically invite certain persons who have given to the project.  So who invites them?  Does, "The Parish of Saint Sebastian" invite the persons who make up the Parish of Saint Sebastian to St. Sebastian Parish?  (This is why I do not like people standing up at the beginning of Mass and saying "Welcome to St. Sebastian" or "Please join us for . . ." who is welcoming whom?  Is this not their home just as much as it is yours?  Who is saying "Please join us?"  Who is the "us"?  A privileged inner circle?)

 

Perhaps I am too sensitive on this matter.  Perhaps it is de rigueur for a juridical person to invite the people it represents to an affair that the juridical person is hosting.  Anyway, I am waisting too much time on this.  What is your thoughts on the matter?  You input would be helpful.

 

Sincerely,

 

Monsignor Manners

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: MRS. FENNER ISSUES HOLY ORDERS ORDERS

Mrs. Fenner turns her eye next to the topic of ordination.  It is not as easy a beast to tackle as you might imagine.  The standard of yesteryear has evolved into a variety of options.  Often these options are not chosen by the man being ordained but by the circumstances in which he might find himself. 

 

For example, in the Diocese of Cleveland back when Monsignor Manners was ordained, the events surrounding the ordination weekend might make presidential inaugural festivities in minor countries look like a five-year-old’s birthday party.  Because of policy changes in the diocese, men and their families may not even begin planning such affairs until just several months before the ordination date (which means no reserving of halls and bands and caterers and so forth.)  Mrs. Fenner eschews both of these as overly lavish. 

 

Monsignor Manners remembers his ordination weekend.  There was a dinner at Slovene Center following ordination at which my Uncle’s band played.  The next day was the First Mass of Thanksgiving followed by another dinner at the parish.  This was capped off by benediction.  Then we went to Slovenia to my grandparent’s home village and started all over again with Mass and dinners and bands.

 

Mrs. Fenner, while acknowledging that such events even take place is a more recent convention, suggests having a simple reception in the home, though she recognizes that formal luncheons at “the club” is appropriate.

 

Of course, the larger the affair, the more complicated (and expensive) it becomes.  Monsignor’s Mother, who received mentoring from other moms who went through the process before her, spent the next few years passing on her experience to other mothers.  There was compiled a six page check to do list that covered duties that started a year and half in advance to the end of the signing of the last Thank You note.

 

Starting with the priest to be and his family, before planning anything there are some things that you need to find out.  Most importantly, what is the policy of the bishop?  This will dictate much.  The second question is what does the home pastor have in mind?  Often a parish will throw some sort of reception following the First Mass for the parish.  It is not unheard of that two or more of those being ordained will join forces and have one reception following ordination.  What are the resources available for such an event?

 

Finally, what does the man himself desire?  To you I say: This is not about you.  To do nothing is unfair to those who want to express their joy on this important event.  It is creating a poverty in the Church that could be put to such good use.  There is no “eloping” into the diocesan priesthood.  You are a public figure now and it is your duty, however simple it might be, to graciously provide for and welcome well wishers.

 

Conversely this is not about creating the perfect day for you.  This is a celebration for the Church.  The more you focus on providing a pleasant experience for others rather than the ultimate day for you, the more others will enjoy it, the more relaxed you will be when things do not go exactly as you with them, and the greater benefit to the cause of the Church which is what we are really celebrating.

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: THE FIRST COMMUNIO PARTY

Finishing up First Holy Communion is the afterglow party.  Strictly speaking there is no grand tradition of a First Communion party though they are common enough.  Often a parish will throw a little gathering, usually punch and cookies, after the event.  More often there is a gathering of family, godparents, and perhaps a few friends of the family.  As Mrs. Fenner writes, “There is no social obligation to do this, but it is a nice thing to do for the child’s sake.”  Of course she also writes, “If Grandpa wants to give a dinner at his club, this would be a fine treat too.”  In Monsignor Manners case, Grandpa’s club would have been Slovene Center and some nice, greasy, Barberton chicken and then a game of bowling.  Now that I think of it, that doesn’t sound so bad.

 

In any event, we did not do this.  Wait.  Yes we did.  We all went out for Barberton chicken dinners afterwards.  We did not, however, go bowling.

 

Nobody is socially obligated to give a child a First Communion gift though some people often do especially parents and godparents.  Some suggestions by Mrs. Fenner include: a rosary, a prayer book (Mass book), cross and chain, religious medal, holy water font for the bedroom, book of Bible stories or lives of the saints, crucifix, or statue of Mary, Joseph, or the child’s name saint.

 

In the picture from last week, you can see the rosary, prayer book, and brown scapular that we all received.  I only recently lost the rosary.  Never, never, never hang your rosary on a door knob even temporarily.  Closing the door the rosary swung out and was crushed – shattering some of the beads and the crucifix.  I also had scapular medal that was given to me.  The chain eventually became too small to fit around my swelling head and in later years I hung it on rear view mirror as a reminder.  It was stolen along with $1.35 in change that was in the ashtray.  *sigh*

 

This Monday begins our sacramental prep for our Confirmation program here at St. Sebastian and Friday Potpourri will turn its attention to that sacrament.

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: THE WAY TO DO IT RIGHT: FIRST COMMUNION

Everyone knows exactly how First Communion should be done.  It is as obvious as the nose on your face: that is, if you are a fly looking through an eye constructed with as many lenses as a soccer ball has pieces of leather giving you the appearance of having 20 such noses.

 

People can become rather passionate about how things should be done.  At one parish at which I was assigned there were such strong opinions that we had several different First Communions (there were enough children to warrant it) so one might choose from “Class Communion” to “Family Style Communion” to “Individual Communion.”  All of them have very good reasons behind them.  (I'm in the picture to the right.)

 

At Mass, we are not mother, father, child, uncle, aunt, etc.  This is why one is called upon to give the sign of peace to only one person.  In shaking hands with one person one has symbolically shaken hands with all.  If you start shaking hands with everyone around you and shooting the victory sign to others across the aisle, it becomes a literal act.  So Class Communions make sense because these are individual people setting off on their next level of initiation into the Church.

 

On the other hand, going with the family may make a symbolic and practical example for the child.  “See?  We all do this together.” 

 

And finally, just showing up one Sunday and having a First Communion may train the child on how to do things for the rest of his life.

 

Of course, only one of these is the best.  But only God and a few angels knows which one for sure.  So please consider giving your DRE or second grade teacher or pastor some understanding if it is not being done exactly the way you desire it.  The focus is on receiving the Eucharist.  Everything else – everything else – is secondary.  As the inimitable Mrs. Fenner reminds us, “the child’s attitude will be formed by those of their elders.” 

 

What should a child wear to a First Communion?  Most parish/schools have their own tradition.  It would be wise to inquire what it might be at your place.  However, the most common dress in our country today would be, for the boys, dark pants and tie with white collared shirt, and a white dress with veil for girls.  Once again, taking our cue from Mrs. Fenner, “Whether you can choose a costly costume or an inexpensive one, it is always good taste to keep it simple.  This applies to the accessories also.”  (This is very different from her advice for clothing at baptism.)

 

To me, the girls costume makes sense.  Not so much the boys.  The Church is the bride of Christ and Jesus the bridegroom.  It makes sense that girls being introduced to Jesus in this most intimate way should be dressed in white and a veil.  But what of the boys?  Well, they are just to look smart.  They fail the symbolic test.  But get over it, now tuck in your shirt tail and straighten your tie.

 

This last part we quote directly from the book:  “In Spain and in other Catholic countries, well-to-do families have a charming custom which might well be adopted by families of mean in our own land.  (When I first read this I thought, ‘uh oh.  What?’)  A wealthy family will dress its own child in an inexpensive costume and will completely dress a poor child in the same First Communion class anonymously.  (Good luck with that.)

 

“Consult the Sister in charge of First Communion (Ha!  Times have changed) and find out if any children in it are underprivileged (are we still allowed to use that term?) and arrange with her to make a secret gift of a sum of money – enough say, to buy a pair of shoes – for one or several of these children.  Do not let the recipients or any one save for Sister (or the pastoral minister) who made the gift.

 

“Tell your child what you have done (I don’t recommend this) in her name (why ‘her?’ – I suppose a boy generally does not care if he has a less expensive tie on) and that the money was saved by buying her a simple costume, so that she may learn young that true charity, which is Christian love, is both a privilege and a personal sacrifice.  If you feel, however, your child is too young to keep such a matter secret, do not tell her about it until she is old enough to understand it.”

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: FIRST THINGS AT FIRST COMMUNION

At baptism I tell parents that this is only the first day of their child’s baptism.  It is the beginning of a relationship and a process and that they have only begun the journey.  One of the milestones on the journey is the child’s First Eucharist.  How a child reacts to the Blessed Sacrament is highly dependent upon the parents.  Faith is not handed down in Church, CCD or PSR, in the day school or what have you.  It happens in the domestic Church – in the home – one generation handing on the faith to the next.  This translate to the reception of the sacraments.  How seriously will the child take Jesus in His Eucharistic presence?  How do his parents behave around the Blessed Sacrament?  How seriously do they take receiving Communion?  How well do they take what they do in Church home?  How do they speak of it?

 

Quite typically there will be a social response to receiving First Communion.  As Mrs. Fenner takes pains to express, “it is your opinions and your reactions that they value and imitate.  It is you therefore that can bring home the wonder and joy of the great sacramental occasion.  Do everything in your power to make the day of First Holy Communion meaningful.  You do this by putting emphasis on the reception of the sacrament and its significance.”

 

As C. S. Lewis said, “When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.”  So when First Communion becomes about a party at which First Communion happens to be a part, the whole event suffers.  The significance of the Blessed Sacrament is lost and so the reason for celebration is lessened.  It becomes not much more than a fancy dress occasion and not a very exciting one at that.  But, when First Communion is emphasized, not only is due reverence made to Christ and the child’s excitement increased, the festivities that accompany it are also raised up in significance. 

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: HOW TO DIE

Part of the problem of telling people how to die is that they don’t want to talk about it until it is painfully obvious that they or someone with whom they are close are about to.  But it is handy information to have in your hip pocket.  Nobody likes to take up research on the topic when death is a few heart beats away. 

 

Here is one of the most important things you should know:

Imminent death is not a prerequisite for the sacrament of anointing of the sick.

Imminent death is not a prerequisite for the sacrament of anointing of the sick.

Imminent death is not a prerequisite for the sacrament of anointing of the sick.

 

(I heard on the radio yesterday that if you say something three times people are more likely to hear and remember it.)

 

I have this image in my head of certain personages, otherwise holy, intelligent, good people standing next to a hospital bed with a stop watch and counting down the seconds.  “…three, …two…ONE!  We are down to two hours of life for Aunt Maybell!  Call the priest!  Call the priest!  Tell him to get out here NOW!”

 

At least that is the way it appears from this end of the telephone lines.  Save for cases of emergency such as getting hit by a truck, one should not wait until the last seconds to be anointed.  According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, anointing is to take place at the onset of the malady.  (This has been true since Trent though perhaps not in practice.)  It may be repeated if the persons becomes well and then falls into sickness again, if the condition worsens, or if a long period of times has passed.  The condition must be serious however, though not fatal.

 

Why this information on a post about manners?  Because manners means making things run as smoothly as possible for everyone involved.  In this age of less priests and more duties for them to do, it is not in keeping with the best possible manners to unnecessarily cause an emergency.  Further, there is a risk of the person being denied the sacrament because of the lack of priests and the small window of time available that may be avilable.  Perhaps he is at a diocesan meeting two hours away and calls are being forwarded to another parish where the priest is already on another call and won’t be back for a couple of hours.  Knowing your sacraments and taking advantage of them when they are intended as possible is just plain good manners.  And of course there are always true emergencies, we just need not create artificial ones.

 

Times have changed since Mrs. Lenner wrote her book.  In describing how one should be prepared for an anointing she writes, “the room should be in perfect order, the patient should be bathed and wearing fresh night clothing.  A woman patient’s costume should always be modest.  Near the sickbed there should be a table covered with a white cloth and holding a crucifix, two lighted blessed candles, a vessel of holy water, a spoon, a dish with five or more bits of cotton, and a damask napkin.  If the priest comes bearing the Blessed Sacrament, as he will of the patient is conscious, he should be met at the door by a person bearing a lighted, blessed candle and be conducted to the sickroom.”

 

Though nice, in reality, none of this done today.  Here are my recommendations for a modern day anointing.  After determining that a anointing should take place, if the person is mobile it may done in the church by setting up an appointment with the priest.  If the person is not mobile, the priest should be called at the earliest convenience and a mutually agreeable date and time set.  I highly recommend NEVER being absent from your home for such an appointment because you had a beauty parlour appointment or a bowling banquet.  (Yes, this does happen!)  That makes priests, justifiably or not, very grumpy.

 

It would be nice, if possible, to have the room and person as presentable as possible.  This is for the comfort of the patient who is incapable of making their place presentable to visitors.  All of the accoutrements about which Mrs. Fenner spoke are no longer necessary.  I do recommend a crucifix being present in the room in general however since the Church grants an indulgence.  #28 from the book of indulgences states that “if the priest cannot be present, holy mother Church lovingly grants such persons who are rightly disposed, a plenary indulgence to be obtained in articulo mortis (at the approach of death) provided they regularly prayed in some way during their lifetime.  The use of a crucifix or a cross is recommended in obtaining this plenary indulgence.”

 

The priest should be told of the condition of the person especially if death is not that far away.  There is an apostolic blessing that the priest will give if the situation is dire.  It is desirable that family, friends, and loved ones, (and as it turns out, often the health care professionals) be present and pray.  Sacraments are by their nature public prayers.  Except for confession and counseling it is absolutely wrong to excuse yourself for the anointing so that there might be privacy.

 

AND FOR THE LOVE OF PETE – TURN OFF THE TELEVISION.  It is often the case that the television has just become background noise for all the people in the house, but it can be very annoying and, worse yet, distracting during the celebration of the sacrament since today Buffy and Kent are actually to be reunited after being divorced three times because Buffy just found out that she is pregnant by the recently deceased brother of Kent and is tricking him into thinking it is his child which he has always wanted.

 

Because of the laws of the United States, it is extremely important to tell the admissions office of your institution that you are Catholic.  Notification is no longer made to you parish and no inquiry will be made.  You must declare your religious preferences for the Church to know that you are in the institution and are desiring of sacraments.  The information fairly will no longer magically notify your parish.

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: THE QUIET SACRAMENT

Sorry that there was not a post yesterday.  Coming back from a short vacation there was simply not time to do all that was necessary around the parish and get the blog up and running again.

The sacrament of confession has no traditional social rites attached to it though in this day and age we tend to have a celebration for just about any achievement no matter how minor including “graduating” from kindergarten.  Occasionally after a first confession there might be a small token of celebration such as the family being together and perhaps having a special treat.  But what is happening here is a healing; a spiritual healing - so the proper response would be one of thanksgiving, not of merry making.  For example, upon leaving a doctor’s office cured of a sore throat one does not have a party, (though in celebration of being able to swallow again one might enjoy an ice cream cone while giving thanks to God for being made whole again.)

True manners, when going to confession, is being prepared and doing that which one is called upon to do.  This includes being punctual.  Seeing that confessions are from 7 to 8PM and showing up a few seconds before 8 is not being punctual.  The priest may need to begin Mass or some other function.  It is best to show up earlier in the confession time to assure that you have your confession heard.

It is also polite to all others to be prepared.  The confessional is the wrong place to start doing an examination of conscience or to read through an examination and say, “Okay, I didn’t do that one.  This one I kinda did . . .”  Upon entering the confessional one should be ready with their sins in mind ready to confess them.  Also, avoid explanations and excuses for sins and other people’s culpabilities in them.  (But he makes me so mad when he chews with his mouth open like that!)  Take my word for it that God already knows all of this.  If the priest needs more information in order to understand, he will ask you.  Also, Mrs. Fenner rightly recommends avoiding Lent and Advent seasons for making a general confession during the posted hours since these can go on for quite some time.  One must always keep in mind those waiting in line (or who might show up while you are in the confessional) waiting to have their sins forgiven – that they might not miss out because confessions are going unnecessarily long and either they or the priest must leave.  How sad a thought that is.  (N.B.  That is NOT to say that it cannot be done during these times if your spiritual life is in danger, only that if it can be avoided, it should be.)

There are times for general confessions, questions, and longer detailed confessions.  I highly recommend making an appointment for such a confession.  In this way there is no fear of someone behind you having to be turned away from the sacrament and the priest not being distracted about time.  Any priest worth his salt will make such an appointment available to you.

Bear in mind that the confessional is not, generally speaking, a time for counseling.  Though some may take place, counseling occurs at other times.  This time is set aside for individuals to celebrate this sacrament.

In waiting in line or going into the body of the church to pray afterword, one moves away from the confessional so as not to be able to hear what is going on in there.  If anything is heard, it is ignored, forgotten, and forever unspoken.  Making conversation with fellow penitents in the confessional line is rude and disturbing to those who may be trying to recall (or keep in mind) their sins or trying to do their penance and should be avoided except when absolutely necessary.  The point is to make confession as private and meditative for others as you wish for it to be for you.  This includes communal confessions (different from general absolution) when one is obliged to remain in the church until all have gone to confession and have prayed the prayer of thankgiving together at the end of the service.

And good manners are good manners even with God.  After receiving absolution it is good practice to stop in the church even if one’s penance does not call for it, and give thanks to God for the sacrament received.

FRIDAY POTPOURRI: BAPTISM BASHES

You don’t have to have a party following a baptism, but it is a good excuse to have one.  If you are too stressed or if your finances do not allow it, do not have one.  Occasionally I hear of someone not doing something in the Church because it is so expensive (then you have to rent a hall and feed the people and hire a band . . .)  No you don’t.  You can.  And it is nice for your guests if you can and want to do it.  But nothing is as important as the sacrament itself.  The party is a second desert.  Completely unnecessary but great none-the-less.

So who do you invite if you are thinking of having a gathering?  The only ones that must be invited are the godparents and the officiating priest, but do not expect the priest to be in attendance.  As our hostess for this series, Mrs. Fenner, states, “The priest is seldom free at such a time to accept the invitation, but it must always be proffered.”  It is a courtesy.  Unlike many non-Catholic Churches, the priest is not simply the hired minister for the community (as close as he may be to his people), the priest is the spiritual father for the congregation, given by the Church to the local parish family.  As a spiritual father he has just brought your child into the Christian family and made him a child of God and will hopefully have a relationship with him in his spiritual life.  After that you may add who you will: grandparents, aunts and uncles and so forth.

Many have chosen to take the baptismal gathering to a restaurant, which is understandable, for it saves the new mother (and father) much trouble.  But a traditional baptismal party is really not much.  Here is what Mrs. Fenner has to say:

“To the guests the parents serve a small, white cake, iced like a bridal cake . . . and champagne or champagne punch to toast the health of the little new Christian.  This is all that is required and if kept to this minimum, it is really not much trouble or expense.”

Of course you can raise the bar from there.  But at all times it must be remembered that a sacrament is being celebrated.  So “the service of intoxicants is held to a strict minimum.”

GIFTS

There is no requirement for anybody to give a gift to the baby (and it is really to the baby, not the parents.)  It is customary for godparents to offer a present, often grandparents, and after that, only those who feel so moved.  In any event, like all celebrations, this is not an opportunity to get things.  Gifts are graciously accepted on behalf of the baby with appropriate surprise that someone should be so thoughtful.  Presents should not be expected or worse yet, requested.

One may give whatever one wishes.  A baby’ sized, silver spoon, knife, and fork are relatively inexpensive presents that can be put to immediate use.  (Monsignor Manners still has his silver spoon and his medal of St. John the Evangelist which were given to him at his christening.)  Other suitable gifts and ones that might stay with the child through his adult years might be a statue of the Blessed Virgin, an infant of Prague, or some such thing.  If you are of a mind, it might be a savings account (Monsignor Manner’s father’s friends did that for me at the Barb-O-Brass Savings and Loan.  It was a very modest amount but none-the-less a reminder of the day and the importance of the event in the life of the community.)  Savings bonds and stocks are also appropriate.  Practicality is great.  If it has a religious connotation it is all the better.  Prayers and your presence are the true present.

Next week:  Penance