Do you want to know what one of the best things about being a parochial vicar is? You can say this line, “I’m sorry, I have no power here. I’m afraid you will have to speak to the pastor about that.” So when you are torn about a certain practice at a parish you can take the easy way out by choosing to no longer think about it since it is your duty to be obedient to the pastor. Such is the case with eulogies at funerals.I hate them.
Well, to be clear, I hate them at mass.
Okay, I don’t hate them. There is something healing it seems about them but it is like trying to make friends with a mean cat. You want to try to befriend them but all too often you get scratched. Badly.
Perhaps it was with the advent of Television that funeral masses have taken a funny turn from being about worshiping and praising God, showing and building our faith in the afterlife, commending a soul into the Father’s care, to celebrating the life of an individual. So at some point in the liturgy we stop everything, ask everybody to sit down, and someone comes up to give a talk – something expressly forbidden at any other ordinary mass.
Here is where the trouble begins. At the top of the list are those things that are not topics for Church. It usually begins with a sly look over at me and the introduction, “I probably shouldn’t say this in front of Father but . . .” and then they talk about the time they got so drunk, or the time they went to see this really fat stripper (that was uncomfortable for everybody) or some such thing. They should have followed their first impulse not to say anything.
Then there are the theological points proclaimed with heart-felt vigor that are none-the-less wrong. Very often – very, very often the pronouncement is made of the fact that the person we are gathered to pray for is already in heaven. "We know this is true," or some such thing is said. But if true, then why have the mass for them? Will that person be denied prayers now which they might need because, after all, they are in heaven?
Then there are those who promise to be short but who are quite verbose. On more than one occasion when the "short" eulogy has gone on so long that I have had to walk over and quietly tell the person that they need to stop now because the next funeral was waiting outside. One time apologizing to the widow profusely asked her if she would like for me to invite the speakers to finished either at the grave or at the luncheon responded, "Oh heavens no! Keep those windbags shut!"
Then there is the one time that the person speaking was from a Protestant denomination and used the pulpit to evangelize. That was horrible.
We do have rules but they are rarely followed. We could demand to see a copy before hand (and try from time to time) but nobody has one written in advance and if it is too horrible it is hard to say, "have this rewritten in an hour and submit it again before the mass.
Now don't think that I make these rules for others but fail to observe them myself. For my own mother the eulogy did not take place at the mass (She would have hated it being done anyway) and I have left similar instruction for my own funeral. But perhaps they are healing and SHOULD be done. They can be done at other appropriate times such as at the funeral home during one of the scheduled prayer times, at the grave site, or at the luncheon. And true, there are some times that it simply cannot be avoided. Perhaps there are no calling hours, or the person was significant in such a way that this would be the only venue large enough to gather the people who would like to hear it.
I guess in the end this post will not be very helpful in that it doesn't call for a ban on eulogies nor a wholesale approval of them. For now I can (must) rely on the pastor's discretion. But perhaps this might help someone be aware of some concerns that may be out there. With that in mind, If you are writing a eulogy I have these (personal) suggestions:
1. At least consider giving it outside of the mass setting.
2. If it is in the mass setting, don't say things that you would not expect to hear from the pulpit.
3. Express hope and trust in Jesus' saving action, but shy away from someone being declared a saint in heaven already. They may still need prayers.
4. Be prepared. It is easy in that emotional state to be distracted. Write what you are going to say down.
5. Please, please, please mention something about the person's faith life.
6. It is Okay to be short. Admit it, you hate it when the homily is over five minutes.
This is usually a touchy topic and it is difficult to speak about. If you have any thoughts I would be open to them.
Really.
